Nice Isn’t a Strategy
Rewriting the Rules with Game Theory
Why being “nice” isn’t a strategy—and how game theory can set you free.
To the nicest people:
You might grow up in an environment where speaking up was punished or love was conditional. Your instincts are wired to survive, not to fight. But once you see the game, you can learn to change it. You’re not weak—you’re just stuck.
The Kindness Trap
There are people in every family, workplace, and relationship who always seem to be “too nice.” They accommodate. They overfunction. They hold their tongue, even for years. And slowly, quietly, they disappear into roles that exhaust them.
They are the invisible glue, but instead of getting thanks, they only get more demands.
Using game theory, we’ll break down why their current strategies fail and how to make moves that protect their dignity, shift power dynamics, and rewrite the game entirely.
Iterated Games: Why Abuse Persists
In game theory, we distinguish between one-shot games and iterated games.
Long-term relationships, including family and work, are iterated. That means the same players interact again and again, and their choices today shape behavior tomorrow.
The problem?
If you consistently cooperate while others defect, you teach them that mistreating you comes at no cost. In game theory, you become a “soft target” or a low-resistance node—a player whose payoff is always sacrificed so others can win. You become a pawn or a permanent doormat, stepped on again and again.
Real-world examples:
The employee who stays late every night while others go home gets blamed for “not being efficient.” He is the first one to be fired.
The wife who supports the husband’s dreams while being emotionally dismissed, yet stays silent to keep the peace. He cheats on her.
The sibling who does all the caregiving but is still called “too sensitive” when she asks for help. She ends up struggling with depression all alone.
When Niceness Is a Losing Strategy
When you stay quiet, over-give, and never push back, you're enacting a dominated strategy—a move that yields worse outcomes no matter what others do.
You may think you're “being the bigger person.” But in game theory, this approach distorts the payoff structure for everyone:
Others learn there’s no consequence for treating you unfairly.
They optimize their own outcomes at your expense (this is rational selfish behavior in repeated games).
Over time, your silence is not seen as grace but as permission.
The Winning Move: Change the Incentive Structure
If you want different outcomes, you must shift the equilibrium, which is the steady-state pattern that keeps playing out. This is known as a Nash Equilibrium—a situation where no player can improve their outcome by changing their strategy alone. Many toxic relationships get stuck here, because everyone sticks to patterns that feel “safe” even if they hurt.
That doesn’t mean exploding, ghosting, or becoming vengeful. It means choosing moves that alter how others calculate their payoffs.
A few powerful strategies:
Tit for Tat (with forgiveness): Mirror others’ behavior. If they respect you, cooperate. If they overstep, pull back. Then allow room for repair. This builds trust while discouraging abuse.
Credible signaling: Calmly name the pattern and set a boundary. The key is consistency, because people believe boundaries only when you follow through.
Public accountability: Sometimes, changing the audience changes the game. Naming issues in shared spaces (a team meeting or a family group chat) often shifts behavior faster than private pleas.
Exit threat (as leverage): In game theory, the ability to exit a game entirely increases your bargaining power. If you’re indispensable but willing to walk, your influence grows.
Case Study: The Overloaded Mom
A woman spends 20 years supporting her husband’s business, raising children, and enduring emotional neglect from her in-laws. She stays quiet. She’s polite. She sacrifices.
Her kindness becomes the very tool used against her.
Until she speaks up—a strategic move that exposes the truth while keeping emotional control. It reframes the game, makes future abuse costly, and uses reputational risk (something her in-laws deeply value) as leverage.
This is a payoff matrix flip: from now on, mistreating her has a downside. The game has changed.
This Isn’t About Revenge—It’s About Regaining Your Agency
You’re not doing this to hurt anyone. You’re doing this so you can stop being hurt.
Game theory shows us that even the softest players can wield power—not through aggression, but through strategy.
When you make better moves, you don't have to become cruel. You just have to stop playing the martyr.
You Can Rewrite the Game
If you're always being micromanaged, dismissed, or guilted into silence, you're not weak. You’re in a badly structured game. And it’s time to rewrite the rules.
You don’t need permission. You need strategy.
Choose differently. Speak clearly. And stop folding your power just to keep peace that isn’t peace at all.
Being kind is noble. But being strategic is how kindness survives.
From Pawn to Player
Game theory can feel abstract until you see it in action. Rachel from Crazy Rich Asians offers a perfect example of winning big through strategy, not force.
She refused to accept harsh family politics or stay silent. Instead, Rachel intentionally played the long game, adjusting her moves to build respect and protect herself without direct confrontation.
Her breakthrough? Sacrificing the short term by losing one crucial mahjong game—an unexpected move that flipped the family’s power dynamics in her favor. This smart play gained her love, influence, and a lasting place in a powerful family.
If Rachel can do it, so can you.