Welcome to the Dating Zoo

10 Creatures to Left-Swipe

My married friends love to glamorize my single life. But today, I’m handing you the keys to a locked chapter of my dirty dating diary, which doubles as a personal dictionary of modern love gone wrong.

Been There, Seen That

Modern dating feels like a full-blown safari—no map, no gate, and definitely no refunds. Ever wondered, “Am I dating a real person, or just a monkey in a leather jacket?” This one’s for you.

Here are 10 wild species to watch for:

1. The Ghoster

Species: Vanisha Disappearus

One minute they’re obsessed with your eyes. The next? Poof! They’ve joined the witness protection program of romance. No explanation. No closure. Only vibes—and then vacuum.

2. The Love Bomber

Species: Affectionata Overwhelma

Shows up with fireworks, roses, and declarations of forever—on date three. You’re their soulmate until… you’re not. When the high fades, so do they.

3. The Breadcrumber

Species: Textus Minimalis

They won’t ghost you, no—that would require commitment. Instead, they send “u up?” texts, occasional fire emojis, and never make a plan. You deserve more than snacks.

4. The Benchwarmer

Species: Backupus Noncommittalus

Keeps you in the lineup but never puts you in the game. You’re good enough for flirty check-ins, not good enough to hang out with their friends. Don’t warm their bench.

5. The Orbiter

Species: Creepus Watchfromafaricus

They’re not texting you, but somehow they watch every single Instagram story. Liking your beach pic but ignoring your last message? Classic orbit. No gravity, no growth.

6. The Future Faker

Species: Delusionus Grandiosa

Says, “Let’s vacation in Bali with our three kids.” after one drink. Paints dreamy pictures of co-parenting and Sunday pancakes—but can’t commit to Friday dinner.

7. The Zombie

Species: Textus Reemergent

You thought they were gone. For good. You mourned. You healed. And then: “Hey stranger…” back from the dead. Delete. Block. Rebury.

8. The Gaslighter

Species: Manipulatus Mindtwister

They make you question your memory, your feelings—even your questions. “Chill out, you’re overreacting” is their mating call. Protect your peace.

9. The Stasher

Species: Secretus Relationshipphobia

Dates you, sleeps over, whispers “I love you”—but you’ve never met a single soul in their life. No events, no invites, no proof you exist. If you feel like a secret, it’s because you are.

10. The Freeloader

Species: Netflixus Moocheroni

No job, no plans, no intention of paying, but endless appetite for your Wi-Fi, fridge, Netflix, and Uber account. Love isn’t a subscription you pay for solo.

Closing Roar

Dating doesn’t have to be a zoo—but knowing the animals helps. Spot the patterns, recognize their habits, and protect your glow. Remember: you’re not there to feed them overpriced carrots and celery. You’re there to connect—with someone real, ready, and emotionally house-trained.

Before you leave…

THE ZOO SURVEY: Which animal are you attracting?

Update:

Still healing from your last encounter with Vanisha Disappearus or Textus Reemergent?

Good news—I wrote the comeback guide.

👉 Read the Dating Zoo Survival Guide.