When Love Is Control
How to Break Free Without Playing the Game
If you grew up walking on eggshells, apologizing for existing, or defending someone who made you feel worthless, you’ve likely been a target of a power trip. And if your emotions still defend that person? You're not broken. You're conditioned.
This article is for you.
Abuse That Leaves No Bruises
Some stories make headlines, like the boy in North Carolina, chained by foster parents and forced to sleep outside with a dead chicken tied around his neck. That kind of brutality shocks us. But most abuse doesn’t make the news. It unfolds quietly, in kitchens and bedrooms, at the hands of people who never raise a fist but leave deep psychological scars.
Sometimes it’s not the violence that breaks you. It’s the slow erosion of your identity—your sense of reality, your ability to trust yourself. That’s emotional abuse. And it’s one of the hardest to escape because it convinces you to protect the very people hurting you.
I know. I’ve lived it.
When Feelings Lie
If you’re still wondering whether your experience “counts” as abuse, stop right there. Abuse isn’t about bruises. It’s about patterns. If someone regularly makes you feel small, worthless, afraid, or guilty just for existing, that’s abuse.
I was raised by an authoritarian father and a narcissistic mother. He ruled with rage. She ruled with charm and guilt. Together, they built an invisible cage that is made of conditional love, cultural pressure, and the illusion of support.
For years, I thought I just wasn’t good enough. If I could be calmer, smarter, more obedient, maybe they’d love me better. But abuse doesn’t stop because you improve. It stops when you realize the game was rigged from the start.
What a Power Trip Really Is
A power trip is when someone uses authority to dominate. It’s not about protection. It’s about control, superiority, and punishing your independence.
Abusers crave two things: dominance and dependency.
They want you to:
Doubt yourself
Seek their approval
Avoid upsetting them
Stay emotionally entangled
Your confusion, pain, and loyalty keep their world secure. Your suffering isn’t a flaw in their system. It’s the point.
Why Logic Is Your Lifeline
In abusive systems, your emotions get hijacked. You’re manipulated into loyalty, guilt, and silence. That’s why logic is your weapon. Not to erase your feelings, but to anchor you in truth.
Psychology, science, and game theory helped me cut through the fog. I needed brutal clarity to see what love was not.
Game Theory and the Abuse Cycle
Game theory is the study of strategic interaction between players. In abusive dynamics, the "game" is simple: one person wins control, the other loses themselves.
Below are common emotional power games—and how to outplay them.
The Dominator Game
Their move: Rage, threats, or silence when you assert boundaries.
Their payoff: You fall in line, and they stay in control.
Your strategy: Use the gray rock method. Be neutral. Don’t react, argue, or explain.
Why it works: Dominators feed on emotional reactions. No fuel, no fire. Over time, they lose power, or you become free.
The Guilt Trap Game
Their move: “After everything I’ve done for you…” Emotional blackmail.
Their payoff: You abandon your boundaries out of guilt.
Your strategy: Reflect their logic calmly. Try: “If that was done out of love, why is it a debt?”
Why it works: You disrupt the script and reclaim moral clarity.
The Shape-Shifter Game
Their move: Charm and lies to maintain a perfect public image.
Their payoff: You’re isolated and question your reality.
Your strategy: Keep records. Build quiet support.
Why it works: You don’t need to convince the world. You just need to stay grounded in your truth and plan your exit with precision.
The Scapegoat Game
Their move: “You’re the problem.” They blame you for everything.
Their payoff: They avoid accountability; you carry shame.
Your strategy: Stop defending. Step out of the role completely.
Why it works: Scapegoating only works if you accept the label. Once you reject it, the blame loses grip.
How to Break the Cycle
Name it clearly.
Not “strict parenting.” Not “just how she is.” Call it what it is: control, not care.Observe the game, not just the pain.
When you see patterns, you can interrupt them.Withdraw emotional supply.
Abusers feed on guilt, fear, and reaction. Stop giving them what they want.Rebuild your identity.
The final step is the most sacred: rediscovering who you are without their rules.
Reclaiming Yourself
You are not defined by the abuse you endured. You are the person who survived it and came out stronger. Maybe you didn’t live through the worst-case scenario. That doesn’t make your pain any less real or valid.
You don’t have to wait for anyone to change or seek their approval to justify your truth. You’re allowed to leave the game entirely and build a life grounded in self-trust instead of fear.
Even if your emotions feel tangled, you can still play the long game—and win. One day, you’ll look back not as a victim, but as a strategist who broke the cycle.
“Like so many survivors, I learned that healing wasn’t about revenge or even being understood. It was about no longer needing their approval to exist.”
— Vanessa Liu