Unhinged & Unbumbled
The Week I Broke the Apps
Modern dating is a circus. You show up with charm, grammar, and smiles—and still get banned for “acting like a bot.” This is the story of the week I broke the apps without even trying. No catfishing, no scamming. Just one woman, one exhausted thumb, and way too many men offering me fish.
April 2025
Blacklisted. Banned. Didn’t care.
It all started during a trip to Texas. Since I’m moving there, a friend told me to sample the local man inventory. You know, get a taste of what kind of madness awaits. Or at least see if I can survive one taco date without cringing.
So I downloaded Hinge. Then Bumble. (Previous Hinge deleted.) Premium, obviously—I'm a CEO, not a cheapo.
I filled out those prompts like I was applying to Harvard Med School. Half-serious. Half-sure I might just end up at the free art school down the street making pottery and bad decisions.
Uploaded two pics. Saved. Took a seaweed snack break.
Ding. Ding.
Likes already. Seriously? That horny?
Swipe left. Monkey behavior. And not even my monkey.
I turned off notifications to return to my Harvard application (a.k.a. writing witty answers that balance you and me). My profile? Travel and nature. Just like my life. Then, I started swiping.
At first, the apps show you the New York Times bestsellers. Not bad. Some had potential. I swiped based on mood, mostly.
Day 1: 1,400 likes. Day 2: 3,400. Day 3: 2,100. Generous “Super Likes.” Just on one app.
Opened none. But now I had to clean house, because OCD said so.
From the Inbox Cleaning
The fish pics. Is that tuna a romantic offering or…?
The car selfies. 80% of you are obsessed with cars.
Gym flexing. Thanks for letting me know what you bench.
The mirror selfie. I get really dizzy with this one. Which version of you should I be looking at?
Prompt answers left blank—breadcrumming with one word: “pancakes.”
Then there were the couples. Looking for a third (or fouth?). Very ethical. I even saw three guys in one profile. Costco’s “Three for one” polyamory. Why are the stupid search filters not working? I paid for this feature.
Then, Bumble Banned Me
“You’ve violated community guidelines.” But no partial refund.
I emailed the admin. No response. Googled for answers and only found a match for: excessive swiping, acting like a bot. Of course, I am guilty.
Apparently, swiping left 100 times per minute screams not human.
A few matches were furious. They’re crime solvers: tracked me down on WhatsApp and email. One guy asked for closure. Another confessed he wasn’t sure if he should DM me on LinkedIn.
Then, Hinge Said Goodbye
I matched with a guy in Peru. (Travel mode. Fancy.)
Text 1: Are you really 37? Me: Yeah. I’m Asian.
Text 2: What lotion do you use? Me: Water. And sunscreen, sometimes.
Text 3: You’re not even from here. Me: You’re literally in Peru right now.
A day later, he said: “Everything about you screams scam artist.”
I was typing “That’s rude” when I saw: Profile unavailable.
He unmatched me.
An hour later: “You’ve been banned.” Community guidelines again. Also, no refund.
Ghosted
You need an app to meet a man who won’t buy your $5 coffee.
And that app doesn’t care if you’re real, just if you’re using too much bandwidth.
I healed. I moved on.
After 24 hours and sketching kitchen layouts for a client.