He Said / She Said

What Really Happens in Dating

Two perspectives. One conversation. What really happens when we stop pretending in modern dating?

Written by Vanessa Liu and John Coleman, with no filters and no games.

She’s an architect with instinct. He’s a scientist with depth.

We study love like a structure — testing what holds, what cracks, and what lasts. So we asked each other the questions most people avoid:

Who should make the first move? Why do we ghost? What do we notice on a first date? What turns us off fast — and what lingers long after the night ends?

This is what we found.

Who Makes the First Move — and Why?

She Said:

I think the guy should make the first move. Not because women can’t, but because most of us were never trained to. For centuries, men were taught to initiate while we were taught to wait, to hint, to drop a figurative hankie and hope they’d notice. 

If a man wants me, I want him to act like it. Taking initiative shows me more than interest; it tells me who he is in every other area of life. Is he confident enough to step into something uncertain? Will he fight for what he wants — not just in love, but in work, in family, in life?

A silly part of me still thinks: I’m not going to throw myself at him. I’m not a fool or a pick-me. If he sees my worth, he’ll reach for it. If he doesn’t, then I’m already gone.

He Said: 

I’m a bit of an old-fashioned person. I like paying for dates, opening doors, and treating a woman with respect. Being a protector and provider matters to me.

That being said, I’m drawn to smart, independent women.

So, I don’t think any stereotypes should constrain people from making the first move — if they want to.

The Real Reason We Ghost (Or Stay Too Long)

She Said:

I’ve ghosted for a thousand little reasons, but let’s be honest: most of them are loud red flags. If he stops replying, I stop replying. If the conversation always ends with me making the last meaningful effort? I quietly slip out.

I ghost bad communicators because I’m not here to decode vagueness. If he can’t express himself, or every text is about sex, it tells me everything I need to know. I’m looking for partnership, not a distraction or a dopamine hit.

Sometimes I stay too long, hoping things will shift. But when a man’s energy drains me more than it inspires me, I ghost to protect my peace. It’s not always the “right” thing, but it’s often the necessary one.

He Said: 

I think ghosting is cruel. It’s become more commonplace in today’s culture. Maybe because with dating apps, people go through SO many people — most leading to dead ends while trying to get to know them… The cacophony is unbearable, and — you haven’t really met the person — they’re a profile in the app on your phone. They’re untethered. Virtual. So you just hit delete. Like clearing out your spam folder.

So, there are many reasons. Maybe they just got tired of the apps and disappeared. Maybe their dating life is complicated, and they only got onto the apps on a whim.

Then there are the more concrete reasons — they were creepy. You didn’t vibe with them. They crossed a line.

But if you actually get to know a person and ghost them… it’s different. Maybe the relationship opened up parts of your mind you weren’t ready to explore.

You don’t want to confront them, so you run and don’t look back.

What We Notice on a First Date (But Don’t Say)

She Said:

I notice everything — especially the things he doesn’t say. His shirt, his nails, whether his phone screen is cracked. These tiny details tell me how he moves through the world. I listen to how he talks — is it a conversation or a monologue? If he speaks for five minutes straight without asking me anything, I quietly check out.

I watch how he holds silence. Whether he makes space for real questions, or just sticks to surface talk. I notice how he looks at me. If I feel seen or scanned.

And yes, I check for heat. His arms. His posture. The way he listens. The way I feel in his presence.

And when the bill comes — if it’s just coffee and he hesitates to cover it, I file that away too. If he won’t take care of something small, I can’t imagine him stepping up for something big.

He Said:

If you’ve been talking on the apps — texting, calling, even video chatting — meeting in person is still a different universe. No matter how well you think you know someone, face-to-face is the only real way to find out.

Beyond the filters and angles people use in photos, there are things you only notice in person — how tall they are next to you, their subtle mannerisms, the flow of conversation without the safety net of curated texts. And of course, the chemistry. Or the absence of it.

Sure, there’s a politeness factor in what you don’t say.

But me? I try to stay open. Honest. Present.

What Makes Us Lose Interest Fast — And What Actually Stays With Us

She Said:

I lose interest quickly if he talks only about himself, comes across too polished (player energy), or says nothing at all. And if he’s sweating profusely from nerves, I can’t unsee it. I want a man, not a meltdown.

What stays with me? When he’s engaged. When he listens and offers something real. Humor helps. If he can make me laugh, he’s already won half the battle. I remember the way a man looks at me. The way he makes me feel seen, heard, and slightly undone.

Also… if I can imagine kissing him, I probably won’t forget him.

He Said:

My feelings tend to have inertia to them. Sometimes slow and sometimes fast to grow, but always slow to fade.

I tend to vet my dating interests well. Always getting to know someone fairly well over the phone before meeting - so when we do finally take the leap to meet, it feels pretty natural.

Again, it all has to do with natural chemistry.

Closing

Maybe dating is less about finding someone and more about becoming the kind of person who knows what they want, who won’t perform for approval, and who trusts the difference between chemistry and chaos.

Whether love arrives in a flash or unfolds like a slow-built skyline, we’ll know it by how it feels: calm, clear, connected.

Until then, we’ll keep asking, listening — to each other, to the silence, and to something real beneath it all.